| Have you noticed that, in our culture,
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| | willing to negotiate a compromise.
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| slurs about gender, class, race and sex
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| | 2. Emotional flooding, a diffuse
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| have become fairly commonplace and are
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| | physiological arousal whereby several
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| often even seen as humorous by some?
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| | body systems are mobilized, often occurs
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| Howard Stern, Ann Coulter, Jesse Jackson
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| | in a crisis. This process is activated
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| and Bill O'Reilly, to name a few well
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| | in a relationship when tensions are high
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| known pundits, have been busy playing the
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| | and communication stalls. It becomes
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| 'can you top this' game. And pop culture
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| | difficult to listen, to think clearly or
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| icon Sasha Baron Cohen, thanks to his
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| | to resolve disagreements. Developing
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| edgy jokes in the movie Borat, won
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| | skills to soothe yourself and calm your
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| Hollywood's coveted Golden Globe award.
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| | partner can help minimize the buildup of
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| Nevertheless, shock jock Don Imus crossed
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| | negative feelings and resentments.
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| the line when he called the women of the
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| | 3. In the midst of a heated argument, any
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| Rutgers basketball team "nappy headed
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| | one of these phrases would be welcomed by
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| hos." His remark stirred up all sorts of
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| | a partner who is feeling misunderstood: I
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| feelings - of outrage, vulnerability,
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| | might be wrong; stay with me and don't
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| anger - not easily put to rest.
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| | withdraw; I see my part in all of this;
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| What happens in the media is not that
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| | let's find our common ground; I do love
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| different from what transpires between
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| | you and we'll work this out.
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| couples when emotionally charged
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| | 4. Most arguments are generally less
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| discussions get completely out of hand.
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| | emotionally painful and destructive if
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| Stephanie had seen the results of untamed
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| | the couple has a reserve of shared
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| aggression in her own life and slowly
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| | positive feelings and interactions. If
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| learned how to prevent it. Growing up,
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| | you characteristically turn toward rather
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| her parents were always angry with each
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| | than away from each other, the
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| other. She hoped that they would divorce
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| | accumulated goodwill provides a
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| but they stayed together and just kept on
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| | cushioning effect. You can draw from this
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| fighting. She vowed that her life would
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| | emergency supply of affection in times of
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| be different:
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| | stress or conflict.
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| "I couldn't wait to move out. Over the
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| | 5. To build emotional dividends, try
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| years I broke off so many relationships
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| | something as simple as connecting daily.
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| that could have worked, but I was afraid
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| | You can leave your partner an
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| of ending up just like my parents. At
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| | affectionate text message or express
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| 42, after years of therapy, I finally
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| | genuine appreciation for a kind gesture.
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| felt secure and strong enough to take the
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| | 6. Compose a list of what you most value
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| plunge. Now, almost every day since I
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| | about each other and make sure it
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| got married, I wake up and make a
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| | reflects positive characteristics you
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| conscious decision to focus on the
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| | admire. Is your partner intelligent,
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| positives in my relationship. And if I
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| | generous, energetic, supportive,
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| have to fight, I fight fair."
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| | adventurous, calm, dependable or loving?
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| Whether it is gender baiting, childish
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| | At least once a week, share one item from
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| competition or locker room humor, the
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| | your list and give an example that
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| hurt feelings cut deep both ways. And
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| | illustrates how you feel.
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| have lasting effects. What follows are a
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| | So don't make it a question of who can
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| set of six verbal tools that can help
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| | call who what, where to draw the line or
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| your conversations - and your
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| | who can cross it. Get more practice
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| relationships - get back on the right
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| | talking courteously with your partner
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| track.
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| | about differences. Be responsive and
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| 1. All couples get angry and have
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| | create a comfortable and safe place so
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| arguments. During these difficult times
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| | that your discussions - and even your
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| you can minimize emotional overload if
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| | conflicts - will be open and honest. As
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| you focus only on the specific subject at
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| | you listen with intention and respond
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| hand. Don't blame your partner or get
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| | with respect, you send a most powerful
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| defensive. Take some personal
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| | statement of how much you really care.
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| responsibility for what's going on and be
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|
