| Have you noticed that, in our culture, slurs about | | | | 2. Emotional flooding, a diffuse physiological arousal |
| gender, class, race and sex have become fairly | | | | whereby several body systems are mobilized, often |
| commonplace and are often even seen as humorous | | | | occurs in a crisis. This process is activated in a |
| by some? Howard Stern, Ann Coulter, Jesse Jackson | | | | relationship when tensions are high and |
| and Bill O'Reilly, to name a few well known pundits, | | | | communication stalls. It becomes difficult to listen, to |
| have been busy playing the 'can you top this' game. | | | | think clearly or to resolve disagreements. Developing |
| And pop culture icon Sasha Baron Cohen, thanks to | | | | skills to soothe yourself and calm your partner can |
| his edgy jokes in the movie Borat, won Hollywood's | | | | help minimize the buildup of negative feelings and |
| coveted Golden Globe award. Nevertheless, shock | | | | resentments. |
| jock Don Imus crossed the line when he called the | | | | 3. In the midst of a heated argument, any one of |
| women of the Rutgers basketball team "nappy | | | | these phrases would be welcomed by a partner who |
| headed hos." His remark stirred up all sorts of feelings | | | | is feeling misunderstood: I might be wrong; stay with |
| - of outrage, vulnerability, anger - not easily put to | | | | me and don't withdraw; I see my part in all of this; |
| rest. | | | | let's find our common ground; I do love you and we'll |
| What happens in the media is not that different from | | | | work this out. |
| what transpires between couples when emotionally | | | | 4. Most arguments are generally less emotionally |
| charged discussions get completely out of hand. | | | | painful and destructive if the couple has a reserve of |
| Stephanie had seen the results of untamed | | | | shared positive feelings and interactions. If you |
| aggression in her own life and slowly learned how to | | | | characteristically turn toward rather than away from |
| prevent it. Growing up, her parents were always | | | | each other, the accumulated goodwill provides a |
| angry with each other. She hoped that they would | | | | cushioning effect. You can draw from this emergency |
| divorce but they stayed together and just kept on | | | | supply of affection in times of stress or conflict. |
| fighting. She vowed that her life would be different: | | | | 5. To build emotional dividends, try something as |
| "I couldn't wait to move out. Over the years I broke | | | | simple as connecting daily. You can leave your partner |
| off so many relationships that could have worked, | | | | an affectionate text message or express genuine |
| but I was afraid of ending up just like my parents. At | | | | appreciation for a kind gesture. |
| 42, after years of therapy, I finally felt secure and | | | | 6. Compose a list of what you most value about |
| strong enough to take the plunge. Now, almost | | | | each other and make sure it reflects positive |
| every day since I got married, I wake up and make | | | | characteristics you admire. Is your partner intelligent, |
| a conscious decision to focus on the positives in my | | | | generous, energetic, supportive, adventurous, calm, |
| relationship. And if I have to fight, I fight fair." | | | | dependable or loving? At least once a week, share |
| Whether it is gender baiting, childish competition or | | | | one item from your list and give an example that |
| locker room humor, the hurt feelings cut deep both | | | | illustrates how you feel. |
| ways. And have lasting effects. What follows are a | | | | So don't make it a question of who can call who |
| set of six verbal tools that can help your | | | | what, where to draw the line or who can cross it. |
| conversations - and your relationships - get back on | | | | Get more practice talking courteously with your |
| the right track. | | | | partner about differences. Be responsive and create |
| 1. All couples get angry and have arguments. During | | | | a comfortable and safe place so that your |
| these difficult times you can minimize emotional | | | | discussions - and even your conflicts - will be open |
| overload if you focus only on the specific subject at | | | | and honest. As you listen with intention and respond |
| hand. Don't blame your partner or get defensive. | | | | with respect, you send a most powerful statement |
| Take some personal responsibility for what's going on | | | | of how much you really care. |
| and be willing to negotiate a compromise. | | | | |