| Ever heard of the Love Lab in Seattle? No, it's not a | | | | management and strategic problem, but I honestly |
| perk of working at Microsoft (nor a perk that they | | | | think this woman has all the management and |
| once had and then lost when they became big bad | | | | strategic skill she needs. So in addition to reviewing |
| business - they never actually went for those | | | | and tweaking the existing management and strategic |
| Googleplex type perks anyway). The Love Lab is a | | | | framework, I have shared this information with her |
| lab at the University of Washington where emeritus | | | | and started coaching her in turning toward the bids |
| professor of psychology Dr. John M. Gottman (also | | | | of others. Already we are seeing a warming up of |
| co-founder of the Gottman Institute) conducted | | | | the operating environment - though team members |
| extensive research on the nature of relationships, | | | | are understandably skeptical and may take a while to |
| particularly what makes for a good marriage. One of | | | | trust that their manager intends to respond to their |
| the cornerstones of his findings on relationships of all | | | | bids consistently. |
| types is that relationships rely on something called | | | | I personally find turning against responses difficult to |
| bids for connection - the verbal and non-verbal | | | | work with. People who are cynical and antagonistic |
| requests for attention and validation that take place | | | | toward others seem to me to be less inclined to |
| hundreds of times per day in human relationships. | | | | work on their communication skills than those who |
| The relationships we have at work are significant. | | | | are simply mindless. But when I see turning against |
| Like our families of birth, we generally have little | | | | responses now, I have a better understanding of |
| control over who the members of the family are. Our | | | | what they are. I have always had a negative gut |
| work relationships have the power to bring us joy or | | | | reaction to people who use strong sarcasm or |
| cause us anguish. They can lead to the greatest | | | | express cynicism during job interviews, though I |
| creative breakthroughs or significant physical and | | | | couldn't always support why I thought those |
| mental breakdowns. Or they may be nowhere near | | | | behaviors were bad signs. Now I understand that |
| those highs or lows, just droning on in the | | | | there is a good chance those behaviors will present |
| background of our work life, not driving us crazy but | | | | themselves as turning against responses in the work |
| not making our lives any richer either. The bottom | | | | environment, which will disrupt team harmony and |
| line for business is that an organization filled with | | | | ability to innovate. |
| happy humans is more likely to be profitable than a | | | | Not that argument and debate can't be consistent |
| similar business filled with the unhappy sort. In his | | | | with team harmony. One of my customer sites is an |
| book The Relationship Cure, Gottman says "A bid can | | | | absolute joy to work with and they are constantly |
| be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch - any single | | | | arguing with one another. My new Gottman |
| expression that says I want to feel connected to | | | | knowledge helped me get beyond knowing that they |
| you. A response to a bid is just that - a positive or | | | | are a joy to work with, to understanding why. A |
| negative answer to somebody's request for | | | | recent meeting to discuss the launch of a new |
| emotional connection. According to Gottman, there | | | | product illustrated the power of turning toward the |
| are three types of response to bids: turning toward | | | | bids of others. The team was divided in three camps |
| responses, turning away responses, and turning | | | | over the product launch and their debate was heated |
| against responses. One example from the book (pp | | | | within minutes of the beginning of the meeting. Yet |
| 36-37) works as follows: | | | | the atmosphere in the room was one of excitement |
| Turn toward the bid | | | | and fun rather than competition and discord. The |
| BID: How was your vacation? | | | | team members turned toward one another's bids |
| RESPONSE: It was all right. The slopes at Sun | | | | even as they argued against them, peppering the |
| Mountain are magnificent, but the ski conditions were | | | | argument with humor and laughter, and building on |
| lousy. Have you ever been there? | | | | each others' ideas even as they fought to make sure |
| Turn away from the bid | | | | their own were heard. I didn't record one moment of |
| BID: How was your vacation? | | | | sarcasm or criticism during the exchange. There was |
| RESPONSE: Have you got any messages for me? | | | | no point at which a team member cut another down. |
| Turn against the bid | | | | Over the next two days I watched the team closely, |
| BID: How was your vacation? | | | | and sure enough, they turned toward one another's |
| RESPONSE: As if you really cared. | | | | bids constantly, and bid one another constantly. This |
| Relationships that involve mostly turning toward | | | | behavior is described by Gottman as a sort of bid |
| responses are far healthier than relationships that do | | | | banking, storing up a savings of positively-exchanged |
| not. Interestingly, relationships that involve turning | | | | bids, to be cashed in at times of conflict, making the |
| against and turning away from responses both fail at | | | | conflict easier to deal with and the relationship more |
| equal rates, but the turning against relationships fail | | | | likely to repair afterwards. |
| more slowly than the relationships where the | | | | Many years of corporate management have taught |
| predominant form of response is to turn away from, | | | | me that one dysfunctional person can alter the |
| or ignore, the other person. | | | | chemistry of an entire department and hold that |
| When I take on a new client, one of the first things I | | | | department's performance to suboptimum levels for |
| do is observe relationships among team members in | | | | years on end. This new information on bidding has |
| the area in which I will be advising. It is not unusual | | | | introduced me to a whole new way of evaluating |
| for a business to possess all the knowledge and | | | | work groups. I highly recommend that you evaluate |
| talent it requires to be successful, but for that | | | | the following questions to improve your work |
| knowledge and talent to be inaccessible to the | | | | relationships and results: |
| organization - even as it collects a paycheck. Once I | | | | - Evaluate how often you bid |
| observe interpersonal communication I gain | | | | - Evaluate how effectively you bid. Are you direct or |
| tremendous insight into how my help may best be | | | | round-about? Positive or negative? |
| offered. When I read Gottman's latest book, I | | | | - Evaluate how you respond to the bids of others. |
| started watching the bid processes specifically. Some | | | | Do you turn toward, turn away from, or turn against |
| of the most difficult-to-understand team dynamics | | | | most often? When you are turning away from or |
| became much clearer to me with this simple but | | | | turning against, why are you doing so? |
| powerful information. | | | | - Evaluate your most important work relationships in |
| In one situation, I have a division head who, based on | | | | terms of how those people respond to your bids |
| my observation, seemed would be a very unpopular | | | | - Have you stopped bidding anyone? If so, why? Is it |
| manager. He is one of the worst interrupters I have | | | | hurting your work relationship or your professional |
| ever met, and I found just trying to complete a | | | | performance? |
| conversation with him to be exhausting. Much to my | | | | - Is there any particularly influential person in your |
| surprise, I encountered a staff who is genuinely | | | | work experience who consistently turns against or |
| devoted to him. It's not that they don't notice he | | | | turns away from your bids or the bids of others? Is |
| interrupts - they simply take the interruptions in | | | | there anything you can do to bring this problem to |
| stride. Without the information on bidding, I would not | | | | their attention? |
| have been able to sort this out. But armed with my | | | | - How do you react when someone turns away from |
| new knowledge, I realized that in all other ways this | | | | your bids? |
| guy turns toward their bids, and bids them frequently | | | | - How do you react when someone turns against |
| (even if he interrupts their answers). The staff clearly | | | | your bids? |
| feels connected to their manager, and they forgive | | | | - If you can't influence the person who is responding |
| him his irritating habit. Another constant interrupter | | | | in undesirable ways, what steps can you take to |
| who perhaps turned away from or turned against | | | | protect your feelings (i.e., most people feel |
| their subordinates' bids - and who did not bid others | | | | insignificant or insecure when they are ignored) and |
| effectively - would likely become negatively known | | | | manage your reactions to minimize their negative |
| for the habit of interrupting. | | | | effect on you and your performance? |
| In another company, an extremely capable and | | | | We've all experienced some work situation that got |
| hard-working specialist is failing miserably, and her | | | | under our skin and we couldn't figure out why it |
| senior sponsor is worried about whether or not the | | | | bothered us so much. The woman who ignores you |
| situation can be turned around. She is responsible for | | | | every time she walks past in the hallway, the guy |
| three teams, and in each team is entirely | | | | who wanders off or answers his cell phone just as |
| dysfunctional. Not cruel to one another, overly | | | | you begin to speak to him, the person who turns |
| competitive, or filled with slackers. Quite the | | | | even simple inquiries into cynical little jabs. Everybody |
| opposite, in fact. The teams simply do not engage. | | | | is moaning and groaning about the economy and Wall |
| Trying to get a handle on this problem - because this | | | | Street, but economic down cycles come only every |
| strange staff demotivation was my only real clue | | | | five or six years and only last for 8-10 months. |
| regarding my clients' difficulties - I asked to observe | | | | Negative work relationships last for years and |
| two team members who were also on other teams | | | | damage your business even when the dollar is strong |
| with different leaders. I observed that both individuals | | | | and the economy is booming. So one more thing to |
| were participating energetically in those other | | | | add to the list. Next time you're book shopping or at |
| situations. Using my new knowledge I realized that | | | | your local library, check out a copy of John M. |
| this woman systematically turns away from bids, | | | | Gottman's The Relationship Cure. Because building |
| ignoring them, changing the subject, or vaguely | | | | better connections with co-workers may be the best |
| um-hmm-ing a response. Gottman says that bidders | | | | economic boost a company can hope for. |
| who are ignored learn quickly not to bid again. I was | | | | (c) 2008. Andrea M. |
| brought in to solve what seemed to be a | | | | |